Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
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Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.