@Kevaclysm

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

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@jctwritesstuff

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

@sween

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

@Iwriteforcats

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

@XOperfectmessXO

You’re like a dressing room

You make me want to take my clothes off and try things

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

@RollAroundSue

7: Its the last week of school so we don’t have to go. Can I stay home?
Me: Ha! Nice try, kid.
Teacher: Its true.
Me: Ha! NICE TRY, TEACHER.

@TheTweetOfGod

Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.

@realHamOnWry

Her: Why are we in this McDonalds drive though? You promised we were going for a romantic picnic under the stars.

Me: *Opens sun roof*

@WilliamAder

Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.