Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
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I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
if a cop pulls u over play dead
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.