Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
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finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs