asking my bank if i can do extra credit
You Might Also Like
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!