Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
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Realize this:
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Effort made
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
They’re not wrong
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies