Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
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Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
