Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?