Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
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He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
how to market bottled water to dads
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.