Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
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yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]