asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house