asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
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7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color