Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
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Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.