Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
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This is true.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
The most precious boy
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
How animals would run if they were human
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
welp
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too