Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
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My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes