Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
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Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?