Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
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Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I hate when that happens.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one