Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.

So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.