Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
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“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Happy Star Wars day!
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
Name this drama.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
