Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
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I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
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