Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok