Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies