Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
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If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
