asking santa clause for nudes
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When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Note to self: I am a note
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
How to woo a woman
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?