asking santa clause for nudes
You Might Also Like
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
me opening up to someone
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.