Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

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I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.