asking santa clause for nudes
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If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.