Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Lube but for my dry humor.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”