Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.

So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.