Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.