[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
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Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.