[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
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Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
How wrong was this guy?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.