Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
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“Theirye’re” problem solved
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Stop it! 😂
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Had an outline tattoo done on my shoulder and when my friends are sad I let them colour it in
Everyone needs a shoulder to crayon…
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”