Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?