Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad