asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
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Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one