asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
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Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
October already? What’s next? November????
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
😭😭
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.