asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”