asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
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“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Ovenable?
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Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.