Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

Sorry. Not sorry

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

🤣🤣🤣

Discuss

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song