*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
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I’m a carb girl, born and bread
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
shut up and take my money
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?