Asking the real questions!
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain