Asking the real questions!
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My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA