Asking the real questions!
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[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Every damn time
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Isn’t
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.