Asking the real questions!
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Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not