Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”