Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
You Might Also Like
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”