Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
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good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
hmmm
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.