Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
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Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I have many caverns
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2