Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
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Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
@funTweeters
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly