Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
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sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school