Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
You Might Also Like
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
concern
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.