Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
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“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
it was love at first sight
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.