Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
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At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.