Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
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Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?