*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
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Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.