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@MoneypennyNaked: *asks every guy at speed dating*
"Are you going to drink that?"
@brynnester: Priest: *takes me aside* I’ve had complaints
Me: About the twerking?
Priest: Yes, about the twerking *rubs temple* Please just sing like everyone else
@BeagirlNJ: I'm 41 years old, don't ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
@OneFunnyMummy: My 3 moods:
1. I'm too tired for this shit
2. I'm too old for this shit
3. I'm too sober for this shit
@TheBoydP: Give me Players for $500 Alex
"When you lose the game because you don't have any moves"
What is checkmate?
"Wrong! What is your sex life"
@notalogin: On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you're in there for, say "the food" so all the other prisoners know you're a loose cannon.