*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
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Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
The three genders.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
Happy weekend !