*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
You Might Also Like
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.