{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Encore…
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells