*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
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Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.