*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
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Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
How animals would run if they were human
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.