Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?