* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
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you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
🐿️
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.