* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
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Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.