* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
You Might Also Like
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
omg leave her alone
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
a public service announcement
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok