Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

I’m not wrong

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing