*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
RT if you could go either way.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*