Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978