*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
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*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
i love meeting boys on tinder
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
goldfish mafia
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian