Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds