*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
You Might Also Like
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.