Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle