Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.