Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

Well, this explains it:

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR